Marriage Matters: 3 ways maintain intimacy in your marriage
Remember back to when you and your hubby were first married? You talked for hours in this dreamy state of bliss. To be honest, you just wanted to be around each other.
But then, well, life.
Jobs. Kids. Responsibilities. More kids. Then just like that, there is a tug-of-war for your time, attention, and energy. Sure, you still see each other. You get up out the same bed. You live in the same house. You have the same goals. But without realizing it, you are just going through the routine of life. Maintaining intimacy in your marriage doesn’t have to be difficult, but it does have to be intentional.
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If you have ever felt this way as a married person, you are not alone.
Maintaining intimacy in a marriage can be challenging. Your stress level is elevated from starting or quitting a new job. You feel self-conscious because you have rolls in place of your previous tight abs. You are tired from taking care of a sick parent or special needs child. You no longer feel feminine and vibrant. By the time you go to bed, you just want to go to sleep. That’s it. NOTHING more.
Then you find yourself with this sense of disconnect.
Cultivating healthy intimacy is a daily decision to be present in your marriage in spite of the demands of life. Here are a few ways that you can reconnect and increase the intimacy in your marriage.
Refresh your marriage in three ways
1. Date each other often in marriage
I know, I know. You have heard about the importance of dating your spouse multiple times. But seriously, this is important. Carving out time to spend together is vital for bonding and intimacy. Take turns planning your outing. If you have kids, partner with other couples so that you can take turns babysitting for each other. Date nights help us to create new memories as a couple in a fun and enjoyable way. You get to disconnect from the stress of the day and reconnect with the love of your life.
Early in our marriage, we often did not have anyone to watch our boys. So we spent many “date nights” at home. Whether we could go out or if we stayed at home, talk about family, bills, or work was off limits. No phone calls. Just the two of us. Talking, laughing and enjoying being friends, lovers, a team. Simply a decision to be in the moment. Date night shoudn’t be complicated. It just needs to be intentional.
2. Celebrate who you’ve become in your marriage
There is something beautiful that occurs when we are in a healthy, Godly marriage. The best of us continues to be in front of us. Every day we can celebrate the life that we have built. Sure there are areas of improvement and lessons learned, but you are learning them together. You are making improvements as a team. Be proud of who you both have become as a person and as a couple.
Say the words out loud. Celebrate your similarities and differences both in private and in public. When we take time to celebrate all God has done in our marriage, it becomes a bridge to cultivating healthy intimacy. Our focus is on bridging the gap between us instead of pushing each other further away. Spend time each week reflecting on why you are great together. During prayer time, thank God for joining you together in marriage. Celebrate one another!
3. Be completely present in your marriage
When we constantly have our eyes on who we use to be as individuals and as a couple, we hold our present and future in bondage. Even if you could lose the weight or the kids grow up to leave the house, we are not the same people. We grow. We change. We evolve. And you know what, so will our relationship and marriage.Embracing the current season for my marriage allows me to adjust my expectations and extend grace. Click To Tweet
If we want to cultivate healthy intimacy, then we should embrace the now. What does support look like in this season? Because I can tell you the support I needed from my hubby as a mom of a newborn recovering from a c-section was not the same support I needed when I went back to school to finish my doctorate. Embracing the current season for my marriage allows me to adjust my expectations and extend grace. You learn to adapt as a couple for the season of your life. Choose to rebuild intimacy based on your life NOW. So what does that look like? Talk to your spouse. Pray about how you can cultivate intimacy for here and now.
Marriage is a beautiful union we can celebrate in all seasons of life. If we plan to maintain our intimacy in marriage, we must be intentional in dating often, celebrating who you have become together, and embracing your now.
Cheering you on,
I’m not a married person yet, but I think it’s so important to realise ahead of time that yes, marriage is something you will have to work at & if you can put in the work, you’ll be a stronger couple.
Mamie L. PackAmy Farrugia
Yes! Learning some of these now definitely help later on.
Such good tips! #3 especially!
Mamie L. Packkatiepeirce
Oh, thanks!!! Embracing who we are now helps to keep our marriages healthy.
“By the time you go to bed, you just want to go to sleep. That’s it. NOTHING more.” Had to laugh at this line, because that’s so true. We’ve found that if we want to have time to ourselves to reconnect, we have to be super intentional about scheduling it and sticking to our schedule. 🙂
Mamie L. PackcraftyteachermamaJordan
Oh, that is more than true. That intentional time is a must.
Great post ❤️
Good tips! I need to better scheduling dates. It is good for everyone.
I like the idea about embracing the now. Our life right now is pretty great even tho it’s hectic!
Beautifully written! Thank you for these reminders. With all the craziness of life sometimes we just need to slow down with our spouse and just BE.
Mamie L. PackAnn
Oh thank you Ann! We have lost sight of how special it is to simply be present. No agenda. No where to go. Just be!
Jasmine - LoveLifeLaughMotherhood
these are excellent tips. marriage isn’t effortless
Celebrate what you’ve become together…I really love that. My husband I met our first day of freshman year (23 years ago!) and our kids are in their teens. We’ve been through many stages and it’s not too far off that are kids will be flown and grown. Really looking at how far we’ve come, and ho to reestablish as the kids start to need us less.
I have been through tough times with my marriage and I guess what keeps me stay is the times where I look back to the first moments we had before entering to the commitment of marriage.
Mamie L. Packnorbis6
I am glad you have found something to comfort you and remind you of your why. Our tough times can be lights to help other couples.
I really needed to read this ❤️ You describe the tedious routine perfectly. Making time for each other is soooo important. Disconnecting from your spouse is terrible 😞
Mamie L. Packmrsplanahead
Choosing to stay connected to your spouse is a daily decision. It’s not always dinner dates and roses. Sometimes it’s how can I help and I appreciate you.
I love this!! I’m the mom of 3 with my youngest being a Neonatal Diabetic, diagnosed at just 6 months old. Since he was diagnosed, our marriage and life has been turned upside down. Carving out time for just the two of us is incredibly difficult but SO necessary. I’m grateful to have parents who want to watch all 3 of the kids at a time, if only for just 2 hours, so we can often grab at least a meal together. It does get hard to remember a time before the kids but embracing the “now” is very important! Thanks for the tips!
Mamie L. PackAshley Lavoie
Wow!! Way to go momma. Little things help our marriages even if it’s 30 minutes to talk and laugh. It’s so good you have support as well.
Bibi on Board
Thank you for your valuable article. This repeating can be boring, but I confirm from my own experience, the time without kids is very important for couples. Because we aren’t only parents. We are also spouses and (especially!) humans who has their own mental needs. Having dates doesn’t only emphasize our old hidden romantism, but it let us to look at our parenthood from the distance as well. That’s why we argue less thanks to this 😉 And, as you mentioned, our little birds will fly away from the best one day. That’s why we must take care of each other as well not to stay just next to each other, but not really together – due to no topics to talk about.
Mamie L. PackBibi on Board
Oh, yes those dates are vital to a healthy marriage. It helps us to remember who we are outside of being parents. What are your favorite date ideas?
I loved the part about embracing our current season…..It’s so true. The world is INCREDIBLY fast paced…If we aren’t careful, we can easily be moved by the things going on around us that we fail to really appreacite where WE (hubby and I) are at in our relationship….It’s great to be still sometimes and look at where God has taken us from to where he’s brought us. Definitely makes us more appreciative and grateful not only of what the Lord has done but of ourselves! Great post!!
Mamie L. Packlifeofababema
Yaaaassss!!! We don’t just want to do life together. We want to celebrate our lives together.
My husband and I were just talking about being more intentional about date nights. Thanks for the confirmation!
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Yes learning to be more present is important. People change so can’t just remember them as the person they use to be and I need to learn to date my husband.
This is a great post! Putting in the effort and using these tips definitely makes a difference!
Chloé Arnold (@ChloeBArnold)
LOVE these tips! We just celebrated 8 years of marriage and are about to welcome our second child. Definitely need to make intimacy a priority
Mamie L. PackChloé Arnold (@ChloeBArnold)
Congrats on the soon to be little one!
Love this post! I think you are so right celebrate the person you are now because you are growing and evolving in the relationship and the person you were when you were dating probably isn’t that person any more.