Moving forward: 3 healthy responses to offense in marriage
Offenses don’t just happen in your marriage; offenses occur in all marriages. You are not alone.
But how do you respond?
Are you the angry wife? You know, the one who stomps around your home angrily cleaning hoping your spouse will get the hint.
Are you the dangerous wife? The one who uses offense as ammo, shooting down any attempt of intimacy.
Are you the controlling wife? The one who refuses to do anything or give anything unless everything goes your way.
Are you the loving wife? Oh, she’s the one we all want to be. Of course, we all want to think we are the loving wife, but learning how to navigate through offense can be rather challenging.
Let’s be honest. Words wound, disappointments pierce your heart, and unmet expectations hurt intimacy. Offenses just feel yucky.
Thankfully, we don’t have to stay there.
So, when the offense happens (and it will), we can learn to respond with the three P method: Pause, Pray, Practice.
Pause
Pause before you speak.
Anytime we experience offense in marriage, words can be carelessly spoken, and walls can be built around our hearts. We allow small moments of irritation to become big explosions of anger. Before you find yourself there, PAUSE.
Proverbs 17: 14 “The start of a quarrel is like a leak in a dam, so stop it before it starts.”
Pausing is a sign of self-control and maturity. When we walk in self-control, we have time to recognize the offense, time to acknowledge our emotions, and time to reflect on how we can respond in love. We get to stop the fight, the irritation, or the separation before it even starts. In the pausing, before we speak, we can take time to reflect, asking ourselves some hard questions.
- Why am I offended?
- Did my spouse trigger an old wound?
- Am I over-reacting or taking things too personally?
- What is a healthy solution for moving forward in the future?
In the pausing, we can turn our walls of offense into an opportunity for the Holy Spirit to give us revelation.
Proverbs 19:11: Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
Pray
Pray regularly
Taking time to pause before you speak allows you the time and space needed to go to God in prayer. When we walk in offense, it’s easy to turn our sight on the wrongs of our spouse. We see what they failed to do, the ball they dropped, the groceries they forgot, or the compliment they didn’t give. The one moment becomes added to the multitude of ways our spouses have shown their frailties.
Praying for marriage restoration and reconciliation allows us the time to seek God for clarity, peace, and direction when we are facing offense in marriage. When we pray, we allow our hearts to be open to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. We learn how to lay aside our pride for love. We are led how to dig deeper instead of disconnecting. We clearly see the battle is not with our spouse, but with an enemy who seeks to destroy our homes and our family. Prayer is the way we fight for our marriages and overcome offense in our marriage.
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Practice
Practice showing grace and forgiveness OFTEN.
When we hold on to anger, we allow resentment to build a wedge in our marriages. Then just like that we’re using words as weapons and withholding sex and affection preventing real intimacy and fellowship. Instead of cultivating love, we use tactics of manipulation, causing our spouses to feel shame, guilt, and anger. Once we step into the offensive zone, we lose sight of extending the grace Christ so freely gives to us.
Practicing showing grace and forgiveness often to our spouses is easy to do when we stop to remember all Christ has done for us. When we start to take for granted the grace God has freely given to us, we begin to move in critical, judgmental ways. Friend, this is a dangerous place. Instead, always remember how much Christ showers His love and grace upon you DAILY. Your gratitude will create an overflow of love and grace for others around you.
You don’t need to address every action. You don’t need to have a conversation about every incident. Ask yourself, do you want to be right, or do you want to imitate Christ? If we’re going to walk in daily fellowship and intimacy with our spouses, then grace and forgiveness must be our language and our way of living. Choose to forgive and let the offense in your marriage go.
In most relationships, our spouses don’t wake up intending to offend us, but life happens. Stress, frustrations and unmet expectations show up in unplanned ways shining a light on cracks in our marriages. Areas the enemy would love to use to create discord. Just remember, choose to resolve the conflict in your marriage by addressing the offense not attacking the person. You and your spouse are one unit. We cannot avoid offense and conflict in our marriages. When we choose to address the offense in marriage, we are addressing the behavior not defining the person.
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Remember, don’t be afraid to reach out for help from your church pastoral staff or a licensed marriage counselor for additional support. We can choose to resolve offense in marriage in a healthy way.Your marriage matters.
Cheering you on,
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Mindful Mama Health
Thank you for this inspiring read! It is so easy to get sucked into the small day to day offenses. I would love to think I’m a loving wife, but I know that is not always true. I can sometimes feel the wall I start to build up from small incidents over time. I will try to implement the 3 P’s in my marriage.
Mamie L. Pack
Mindful Mama HealthYay!!! Learning how to pause, pray and practice take discipline for sure when dealing with offense.
Wendy
Thank you for this! I pretty sure I am all three of those “wives” at times. I need to be better at thinking before I say something I will later regret. Only God can help! Thanks for the reminder.
Mamie L. Pack
WendyGoing to God to guide me in marriage is one of the best decisions I can make.
Chelsae
Pausing is what I always have the hardest thing doing. I need to put more practice into this, especially during these times.
Mamie L. Pack
ChelsaeOh, pausing makes such a difference.
Emily Bendler
What a great read. It’s so true and our reactions to things is something we continually have to pay attention to and work on.
Mamie L. Pack
Emily BendlerYes! The only person we can control is ourselves.
Shannah Holt -Mastering Mom Chaos
Such great tips because you are right all relationships will have multiple times to implement this. My favorite is pausing I definitely need to do that more.
jessicagoodpaster
I think pausing is my biggest challenge! Thanks for a great post for how to properly respond to offenses in marriage.
Mamie L. Pack
jessicagoodpasterPausing is a big one for most of us in the heat of the moment. It’s can be challenging to not be defensive.
Kristen
Thank you for these marriage tips!
Mamie L. Pack
KristenThanks for stopping by Kristen.
Ceci Rey
Great advice…something I should think about, not just in my marriage, but all relationships,,,thanks for sharing!
Mamie L. Pack
Ceci ReyYes, offense does indeed happen in all relationships.
Diana
I’m not super religious, but I will agree with other points. So many of us were never taught how to regulate our emotions as kids and it shows, often in the worst ways, as adults. We tend to get upset over the littlest things, it doesn’t take much to reach our breaking points. That kind of programming is hard to beat, but the first step is realizing you want to make a change. I catch myself more often now before the rage hits and I can calm down, think more logically, and have a better conversation that solves a problem rather than a yelling match.
Ala Doros
Lovely post! I enjoyed reading your tips, it is so important to look in another way to all the things
Mamie L. Pack
Ala DorosThank you Ala! Glad you stopped by.
mamawritesreviews
This is applicable to all relationships! I need to apply some of these tips to some of my friendships!
Mamie L. Pack
mamawritesreviewsOh, yes! We can definitely use any of these tips for our relationships.
Amy Irvin
I love this post. Thanks so much. I am sort of passive, so I tend to brood and just feel hurt. For a long time.
Mamie L. Pack
Amy IrvinAmy you are not alone. Conflict is uncomfortable for a lot of people and we respond in different ways. It’s important we all learn how to communicate in a healthy way both internally and with others.
Mama Writes Reviews
I just literally yelled at my husband a few minutes ago. We don’t fight very often, but I do get pretty crabby with him. We just celebrated our ten year anniversary though. God is good.
A Nation of Moms
It is good to be more thoughtful in our relationships. I think it is too easy to be too comfortable in our lives and not think as much about our actions.
nonstopmomlife
This post is raw and really challenges me! I like the fact that you talk about the not so pretty side of marriage like the conflict but always ways to work through it! Lovely blog in general too!!
Mamie L. Pack
nonstopmomlifeOh thank you! Marriage is beautiful, but the messy parts can get kinda tricky. Important to talk about it.
Kristen Still
Thanks for sharing these steps to finding a healthy solution!
Redeemed on Purpose
I am so glad you shared this. This is all such great information for any marriage. As you said, offense happens in all marriage. Great post!
Mamie L. Pack
Redeemed on PurposeYep, learning how to handle it in a healthy way makes all the difference when offense happens.
cleanlivingwithkidssa
Thank you so much for your suggestions! I definitely need to practice grace and the pause better.
Brittany Stein
This is very helpful as I tend to get pretty defensive when my husband brings up any little imperfection of mine. I need to work on it, as I know I am not perfect and want to make him happy!
GreenMamalife
I needed this! I’m always working on being a loving and kind wife but it’s so hard when my feelings get hurt. Sometimes I find myself try to lash out at him for some hurt I felt. Thank you for the reminders!
katherine
yes yes yes to all of these … my husband and I do a bit of marriage counseling … and these three always come up. well said in a nice, clean concise way. i wrote something similar here, https://www.chroniclesofmomia.com/2018/02/10-ways-to-keep-joy-in-marriage/
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stephanierobbins5gmailcom
These are three great things to do in your marriage but also with your family and loved ones. Thanks for these great tips!
Amy
A friend of mine once said “offence is never given, offence is only ever taken” which has always resonated with me!
Mamie L. Pack
AmyWow!! Love that Amy.
Parent On Board
Marriages are definitely hard work. It’s nice to think that things will just go smoothly but they never do. Everyone has expectations, they’re not always met and we often walk around angry at each other. Each person has their own tactic to show off their anger at the other. Overall, not a healthy situation. Great communication is really the only way to solve it.
Mamie L. Pack
Parent On BoardHealthy and open communication is vital for building and maintaining a healthy marriage.
Jen @ Jen Bradley | MOMS
I couldn’t agree more with these 3 conflict resolution strategies! I had the opportunity to use this tonight actually! 🙂
Miss Millennia Magazine (@MissMillMag)
Since my husband and I got married we are having a hard time to deal with each other but after a few years we adjusted very smoothly and this one Practice showing grace and forgiveness OFTEN. is the most effective one for me
Jessica
This is so valuable. I often forget that practicing EVERYTHING makes a difference. We think it is just the hard skills like riding a bike. But it is even more important to practice the soft skills, like taking a breath before we speak and having patience. Thanks!
Mamie L. Pack
JessicaAbsolutely Jessica. Maintaining a healthy marriage takes works.