I hear you: 3 tips to become a better listener in your marriage
Okay, I will be the first to admit, listening was (sometimes still is) my best skill as a wife in those beginning years. It took some time, multiple mistakes, and hard conversations for me to learn how to become a better listener to my hubby.
I had good intentions, but good intentions are not enough when it comes to effectively communicating and listening to your husband.
Nope.
I heard what I wanted to hear or listened so that I could respond. Then it hit me.
What if instead of saying, “I am listening,” I actually started listening?
Unfortunately, the art of listening didn’t come naturally for me. Friend, it takes HARD, INTENTIONAL work. Let’s not forget about time.
Being a person who listens is a trait that is encouraged throughout scripture.
James, Jesus’s brother, encourages us all to be “QUICK to hear, SLOW to speak, [and] SLOW to anger.”(James 1: 9). As imagers of Christ, listening – especially to our spouse—is a reflection of our maturity in Christ.
If I wanted a safe space where my husband wanted to share, then I needed to provide open ears where he could and is heard.
If you can relate? Then you are in the right place.
Let’s talk about three tips to help you become a better listener for your husband.
Listen to hear and not respond.
Listen to hear and not respond.
Okay, this was the biggest issue for me when it came to listening to my husband early in my marriage. The moment my hubby took a deep breath, I was ready to pounce with my response.
Every interruption only pushed my hubby away. My interruptions communicate what he wants to share is not more relevant or valuable than what I want to say. No surprise, we would have some communication challenges.
Who wants to talk to someone who constantly interrupts?
When my hubby shares, instead of being quick to respond, I practice the pause. Pausing is particularly helpful when I disagree or when what he says hits a nerve. Pausing also helps me to process what my hubby said versus what I heard. (Let’s be real, sometimes those are not the same thing. Just sayin’.)
It takes practice and intentionality to be completely present in the conversation. When I listen to hear, I can even hear what my hubby is not sharing. I hear the Holy Spirit guiding my heart, my emotions, and my words so that I can minister to my husband. Over time, I learned to step outside of myself and lean more into being available to love and show up for my husband.
I became a better wife.
Get rid of distractions
Get rid of distractions
Let’s face it; our lives can be bombarded with all sorts of distractions. Whether you are responding to the responsibilities of your career or trying to talk in between kiddos calling your name, distractions are always there.
Listening, genuinely listening to another person isn’t always so easy.
How often are you talking with your spouse while folding the laundry, trying to get a talk while chasing the kiddos, or while cooking dinner? Maybe Spotify or sounds of the TV lull in the background while notification alerts ding from your phone? Sound familiar?
Being two working parents and a house full of fellas, our lives certainly don’t allow for intimate listening moments all the time. For the sake of our marriage, I have learned to be intentional in creating space and time where my hubby can talk and share his day, his thoughts, his prayers, and his dreams. As his wife, God designed me to be safe, open space for my husband to talk and him for me.
Listening requires intentionality.
When I intentionally listen to my husband, I invite an intimate connection that can only happen between my husband and me. Listening includes hearing what my hubby is saying, paying attention to his tone, and observing his body language. If I am distracted, I can hear his words, but miss the non-verbal cues and be disconnected from him.
If you want to be a better listener, be intentional to limit distractions. A few things to consider:
- Put your phone down.
- Carve out specific time in your day to talk
- Maintain eye contact.
- Limit environmental noise
Be willing to change your behaviors
Be willing to change your behaviors
The funny thing about our marriage, my hubby and I are opposites in many ways. He is definitely a natural listener while I am a talker. He is an auditory learner while I am a visual learner. He gets laser focus while I often multitask. Our opposites can lead to some interesting moments and some challenging ones too.
When I realize my poor listening skills were negatively impacting my marriage and my husband’s willingness to share with me, I knew I needed to change my actual behaviors.
I started by asking a few questions and preparing my heart to hear his honest responses. My ears needed to be open to hearing, and my emotions needed to be in check.
What do I do that makes you feel heard?
What do I do that makes you feel like I am not listening?
What stops you from sharing with me?
What do I do that makes you want to continue sharing?
The more you practice listening to your spouse, the easier it will become. Over time, you will start to see your relationship deepen. Decide today to be a better listener. How have you grown as a listener for your spouse?
The more you practice listening to your spouse, the easier it will become. Over time, you will start to see your relationship deepen. Decide today to be a better listener. How have you grown as a listener for your spouse?
Cheering you on,
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Alexis H.
So ture, I use to have a hard time being present, is how we say it, in the conversation. It took me a while to understand that. My husband is still working on it too but we are doing it one step at a time. Wonderful reminders to actually listen when they need us!
Mamie L. Pack
Alexis H.It’s great to hear you both are taking steps to hear the other person better.
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Stephanie
Kids are such a distraction!! 😂 great ideas with something so important.
jonesmoms
This is all so true. Having kids and jobs makes it hard to have time to talk without any distractions. But like you said, communication is so very important in a marriage or any relationship really. I really enjoyed reading this!
curlybunmom
“Put down your phone” – that’s my struggle with my husband. Thankfully, he has been open to working on it and so far our communication has improved drastically.
ireayotomiwa
This is a great reminder. I’ll say I do listen. I’m a good listener, maybe not a great one. I just need to communicate more I think. I listen well, but I don’t say much.
Catherine Irwin
Listening is such a precious skill and should be made a priority in every marriage. I was not the best when I first met my other half but his patience has shown me how to learn the skill of listening. Thanks for sharing
Dawn
Listening to hear and understand (not respond) is such an important skill that people today seem to forget about! Thank you for reminding us!
Vangelina
I needed this today.
I find it hard to listen to my partner because I’m on the ready and would respond before he finished verbalizing what’s on his mind. He told me there are times he stopped sharing because I don’t listen. It made it harder for him to come to me when he’s troubled. It pains my heart to hear that I couldn’t be his go-to person when he needed me.
Your advise will be put to good use! Thank you.
Mamie L. Pack
VangelinaOh, I have been there. Learning how to prioritize listening definitely helps our relationships.
Patty H Scott
So good! I needed this sweet reminder. It’s something we can always return to and grow in.
Mamie L. Pack
Patty H ScottWe all can continue to grow.
Laura Thomas
Love this! Super practical tips… my word for 2020 is LISTEN and I’m pretty sure that needs to be applied in my marriage, too! 😉 Thanks for sharing.
Mamie L. Pack
Laura ThomasWow!! I love how God speaks to us through any means.
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Elizabeth
Thanks for sharing! This is me too..I like how you posted questions to ask your spouse. I have been thinking about how I need to be more intentional about asking my spouse questions.
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Mini Style Inspo
Completely agree with ‘listen to hear and not respond.’ Before any conversation we have even starts, I already have an entire speech and argument planned out in my head. It’s hard to admit that it’s a bad habit, but once you do it’s easier to grow and learn from it.
Mamie L. Pack
Mini Style InspoOh yes, been there too.
jessicagoodpaster
Being a good listener is important in so many aspects of life, especially marriage. Thanks for sharing these tips!
Mamie L. Pack
jessicagoodpasterBeing a better listener in my marriage has helped our relationship in so many ways. Thanks for visiting.
Miranda
“Practice the pause.” What a great reminder to truly stop and listen before responding.
Mamie L. Pack
MirandaIt has helped me be a better listener in my marriage.
Cathy
A relationship is about communication. Communication is about listening and talking. We’re all trained to be good at talking but bad in listening. Thank you for your great tips.
Diffusing the Tension
I love the “listen to hear and not respond.” Sometimes that’s all I want. My husband is a natural “fixer” but a lot of times that’s not what I actually need.
Hot Mess Goes to Oz
These are great! I know I need to work on not interrupting people so much
Krystin Godfrey
Listening to hear is one thing we are constantly working on in our marriage ❤️