8 mistakes in marriage wives can avoid
Being married is amazing. But even the healthiest marriages are not free of challenges. There are those obstacles we cannot control that impact our marriages like sickness, job loss, or miscarriage. Then there are those mistakes in marriage we can avoid.
If we want to continue growing, then identifying common mistakes in marriage and improving them is essential.
1. Making your husband and his behaviors responsible for your actions
One big mistake I made early in my marriage was inadvertently making my husband responsible for my actions. I spent too much time talking to God about how my husband needed to change that I ignored what was going on within me. Deflecting ownership of your behaviors only creates problems in your marriage. Instead of doing the work to unlearn and unpack your negative behaviors, you place blame on your spouse. Friend, your husband is not responsible for your actions or emotions—you are.
Solution:
Taking responsibility for your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors create trust and dependability in your marriage. Focus on the work you need to do become a healthy person.
2. Not communicating expectations
Marriage is complex. You are two people with different personalities, experiences, and viewpoints. When we fail to communicate expectations with our spouse, this only leads to complications within our marriages. Problems arise when we take for granted our spouse knows and understands our expectations when it comes to money, parenting, sex, or traditions. Open and consistent communication is vital for marriages to thrive.
Solution:
Learn how to be direct in your communication. Set time aside daily to discuss your expectations together and decide what is reasonable.
3. Neglecting problems
Avoiding difficulty conversations will not magically make them disappear. When you get married, you bring your attitude and approach toward resolving conflict in your marriage. Undiscussed problems quickly compound into much larger problems creating a wedge between a healthy couple. You cannot avoid conflict in a marriage, but you can choose how you will resolve those conflicts.
Solution:
Choose to discuss problems fairly, full of love with the goal of working toward reconciliation. It’s crucial to consider how you will resolve issues. Remember, you are fighting fair, not fighting to win.
4. Putting off sex
How often have you and your hubby had sex this week? Did you enjoy it? Or did you have sex so that you could get him to leave you alone?
Unfortunately, many women can focus on sex as a marital duty on their long list of responsibilities. If we are not intentional, it is easy to put off sex in marriage. You make your kids, your job, even spending time with friends a priority over connecting with your spouse. Then when you finally decide to have sex, it feels more like a chore than an enjoyment.
Solution
Prioritize physically connecting with your spouse. The goal is to choose to cultivate a healthy sex life with your husband, where you WANT to connect. Talk about how you can improve your sex life. Be intentional to bring the romance back.
5. Needing to be right
Marriage is a union, not a competition. You don’t get a trophy for winning the most arguments. Holding on to your need to be right, and having your husband do things your way will only derail your marriage connection. When you focus more on being “right,” you lose sight of finding the right solution. You pick sides, indirectly creating a division between you and your spouse. Remember, you are a team!
When you focus more on being “right” in your marriage, you lose sight of finding the right solution. Click To TweetSolution
Practice the pause. During those difficult moments, choose to pause, pray, and process before you respond. Remember to choose your marriage, not a side. Be willing to learn from our spouse, have an open mind to solutions, and be okay with making mistakes.
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6. Comparing your marriage to others
Friend, comparison will only create problems in your marriage. Oh yes, it’s easy to focus on the things we feel we lack in our spouse or marriage. You waste time upset about the flowers your spouse didn’t give you (like your friend’s spouse did for her), you miss out on how your spouse cooked dinner so you could rest (what you needed). Comparison will make you see holes in your marriage that don’t exist while causing you not to appreciate all you do have. It is unrealistic and unhealthy.
Solution
Make a list of all the ways you are grateful for your spouse and marriage. Choose to compliment your spouse daily. Pray for God to help you see and appreciate your spouse the unique way God designed him.
7. Putting off date night
Having a date night may be a little challenging when life is challenging. Whether you are adjusting to life with a new baby, stressed out from work, or struggling with being a caregiver, marriages need time to connect. Date nights are about more than getting dressed up or going out on the town. Date nights require you to carve out time to build your marriage and your connection to each other.
Solution
Remember, date night is more about a mindset than an activity. Date night is intentionally choosing to prioritize connecting with your spouse outside of the additional roles and responsibilities that impact your marriage. Carve our time WEEKLY to spend together, even if it is a movie night at home or dinner on the porch.
8. Not getting help
One of the biggest mistakes we can make in marriage is ignoring when we need additional help. Sometimes there are issues you need to discuss with an unbiased party. Someone who you can privately discuss issues without fear of judgment and who will hold you accountable.
Solution
Identify safe people you and your spouse feel comfortable talking about marital growth and issues. Be willing to seek out help without shame. Getting help builds wellness in our marriages, just like our bodies.
Learning what marriage mistakes to avoid isn’t complicated, but it does require we do the work to build a healthy, lasting marriage. As a wife, we can do our part to help our marriages thrive.
Above all, pray for your marriage and your spouse. Listen to the Holy Spirit guide you on what not to do in marriage. Christ has equipped you to be a helpmeet for YOUR husband.
cheering your on friend,
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hollynordenberg
#2 is totally my downfall. Too often I expect my husband to know what I’m thinking. It’s something I’m working on. Great post!
Mamie L. Pack
hollynordenbergI am guilty of expecting my hubby to read my mind as well. It only creates problems.
Kallie
I love these tips, communicating is a huge thing that people struggle with!
Mamie L. Pack
KallieCommunication is essential in all relationships including marriage.
Beth
These are all such important tips for marriages. Thanks for sharing!
Mamie L. Pack
BethThank you Beth. We can decide to avoid these mistakes in marriage.
ayslynne15
Oh my goodness! I learned all of these the hard way but you worded them beautifully/straight to the point. My biggest marriage suggestion/advice is that you have to *actually* voice your expectations or else they will remain unmet and fester unpleasantries! Thanks for sharing such great advice!
Mamie L. Pack
ayslynne15Taking time to voice those expectations in a loving way is definitely important. Good point.
Danielle
I agree with a lot of these especially comparing your marriage to others. I think that it is important to focus on your own personal marriage and no try to compare what is happening in your life to other people.
Mamie L. Pack
DanielleExactly Danielle. We are anointed and equipped for the marriage in our homes.
M. J.
I always enjoy your posts! I am guilty of needing to be right sometimes, and comparing my marriage. I’m going to pin this, so I can refer to it in the future!
janeanedavis
I have been happily married for 30 years and I can attest that the advice you have given here is excellent!
Melissa M Sanchez
Today as we celebrate our 14th anniversary this has been such a great way to check in and see where we are at and how to improve our marriage. There is always room for growth.
Mamie L. Pack
Melissa M SanchezAwww! Happy anniversary Melissa.
Donna Miller
I love all your points here. Marriage takes alot of intentionality to make it work. I have to be careful I am honoring in all these areas …
Mamie L. Pack
Donna MillerWhen we are intentional, we can avoid some of these mistakes in our marriage for sure.
Mallaury
God has opened my eyes to so many of the truths written in this post this year! With 2 young babies we’ve always neglected date night but this year we’ve made the decision to nurture and build our marriage by going on dates. We’ve made the decision to be intentional about it or there will always be something that keeps us from doing so. This is a great post, you have a ton of Godly wisdom which I really appreciate. All of these are spot on and I’m glad that the Lord has been shifting my perspective as a young wife about all of this…I believe it’s one of the things that has helped our marriage to be what it is today.
Mamie L. Pack
MallauryYay Mallaury!! I share because I was that young wife making all of these mistakes. It took time, prayer, and listening to the Holy Spirit to help me grow as a wife. So glad you are being intentional. It is worth it!
Collene
Oh, I can fall into all of these traps sometimes. Especially when I am busy or tired. Thank you for the reminder to watch out for these traits and keep them from becoming habits!
Mamie L. Pack
ColleneBeing tired and/or busy are definitely easy traps for us to make mistakes in our marriage.
Teresa Hodge
“Remember to choose your marriage, not a side.” Lots of wisdom in this statement and this post! Marriage is difficult, but can be a wonderful blessing when we work together with our husband and rely on the Holy Spirit to make needed changes within the both of us!
Blessings!
kariminter
This is so good! I loved how you not only identified problems, but gave such clear and easy to implement solutions. I’m saving this to refer back to over and over again. Thanks!
Mamie L. Pack
kariminterThanks Kari! It’s important for us to identify problems but also encourage others with solutions. Otherwise we can just feel discouraged.
Elizabeth Anderson
Great tips to avoid. I can be guilty with date night. Things just get busy sometimes we forget to have some date time
Evangeline Samuel
Oh boy, the number of times I’ve expected my dear husband to function as a mind-reader! Thank you for this insightful post.
Betty Rojugbokan
Communication is a big one in marriage, both parties have to master the art.
Timothy R. Berman
I hope you don’t mind me using this. I facilitate a healthy relationship group where I work and this definitely will be something I’d like to bring into the group discussion with patients who are struggling with substance use and relational issues. There are many couples that are engaged in recovery together. Some really good insights here.
Maryann Lorts
These are great tips for spouses to come together on. I appreciate your heart to intentionally encourage us in our marriages.
Summer
I learned, after several years of marriage, just how damaging to our marriage it was to compare our relationship to that of others. Now, we’re at a much healthier place.
jonisteinauer
This was a really lovely post. I’ll have to keep these tips in mind for if I ever get remarried. Blessings, Joni
Lo Tanner
Oooo, that communicate expectations tip – GOLDEN! I struggled with that the first four years of our marriage and it was rough! I eventually learned I need to communicate what I expect and we need to be on the same page. If I haven’t done that I can’t be surprised when expectations go unmet. He’s not a mind reader.
Jasmine
Number 1 and number 3 use to be big problems for me luckily I am making a change for the better. It’s a struggle sometimes but I’m doing it.
Megan
Wow that was very insightful! I will take these tips to heart. Thank you.
janeanedavis
Ths is a nice list of ways to have a better marriage. A bonus is that many of these tips will work in all interpersonal relatioships.
Hot Mess Goes to Oz
so much good advice! dedication and communication are key
Connected Carole
I especially like #6: don’t compare your marriage to others- not in books, not in movies, and not other friends. I speak from 54 years of marriage.