Living whole: 3 ways to let your spouse help you deal with trauma
Trauma is hard.
It creates a jumble of emotions. You find yourself feeling vulnerable, exposed, angry, and unsafe, even with the people you love and trust the most.
Even with the best of intentions, when we have experienced trauma, it can find a way into our marriages. It finds a way to hide in the deepest, darkest places in our hearts (especially when we have not taken the time to acknowledge our trauma or get help). We have arguments about things that don’t matter. We say things we don’t mean. We hold on to grudges that have nothing to do with our spouse. We do things out of fear.
I get it. I’ve been there.
For years I had little awareness of how the trauma in my life was spilling over into my marriage, preventing me from accepting everything my husband wanted to give.
Without even being aware, the impact of trauma overflows into our marriage. Whether you are overcoming emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, toxic parental relationships, death, or miscarriage, trauma has a way of impacting many of us. How we process conflict, disagreements, money matters, parenting decisions, or even sex, is affected by how we deal with our trauma. If we don’t allow ourselves to heal, we can push away the very person who loves us so dearly-our spouses.
Loving someone who has experienced trauma can be hard.
Your spouse may not know or understand just how deep trauma has impacted your heart, your perspectives, and your ability to show up in your marriage.
But we can help.
We can choose to give our spouses the tools to continue to show up for us.
Now I am not a therapist or a counselor. I am not a professional. Everything I share in this post are tips that have helped me as I processed my trauma while being married to a wonderful, loving, and patient man. I don’t have all the solutions. Hopefully, this is a start to including the one who loves you the most in being there for you completely.
Be clear about how your spouse can help
Our spouses have an essential role in our lives. Their love and support have a tremendous impact in providing safe space for us to heal and grow. Sometimes creating that space can be met with mixed responses. We can pull away, even though we want to be held. We can be moody, even when we want to be loving. We can mistrust, even though our spouses have given us no reason to mistrust. Even though we may be going through a challenging place, we can choose to play a vital role in involving our spouses in our journey to help decrease their feelings of helplessness and frustration.Open and honest communication matters. Take the time to be clear about how your spouse can help you, especially when your trauma triggers you.
Share what you need when you feel triggered by your trauma. Do you need to talk through your feelings? Do you need a hug? Do you want 15 minutes alone to pray? Do you need to go for a walk? Do you want
Friend, be willing to provide space for your spouse to be clear about what he needs as well. Sometimes your spouse may need time to process our emotional responses, hurt, or reactions. You both must be willing to hear and help each other.
Go to God together
Focusing on the shame and scars of your trauma keeps you frozen in what happened. You lose sight of the blessings God has given you in the now. You are not your trauma. You are not your pain. You are not dirty. You are not broken. You are a daughter of the King, chosen, redeemed, worthy, holy, set apart, and loved. Lovely, remember what someone did to you is not more than what Christ did for you on the cross.
Decide to include your spouse in going to God together. There is strength in walking toward healing and wholeness as one in your marriage. Communicate ways and specific areas your spouse can pray for you and how you can pray together. If you are struggling with anxiety, fear, worry, or rejection, say something. Get in God’s word together, pray for one another, and as one.
Reassure your spouse your feelings are not related to them.
When our responses are connected to trauma, our spouses may feel hurt or confused. Your spouse may not understand why you have become distant, are unable to get out of bed, are irritable, or you turn down sex. Pulling away can cause your spouse to receive your distance as rejection, especially when your spouse doesn’t know or understand what you are dealing with.Take time to let your spouse know the complicated feelings that come along with your traumatic experience have nothing to do with him (now I am not addressing situations in which there has been trauma in the marriage caused by your spouse). Take time to acknowledge your spouse’s efforts. Even a simple, “Thank you for being by my side” or “Thank you for giving me space to feel.”
Remember, your spouse is on your side. Keeping a healthy mindset of your spouse and your marriage will help during those difficult moments when we experience emotional triggers. Healing after trauma takes time and work. There is no shame in choosing wholeness, even if that means reaching out for help for yourself and your marriage.
xoxo,
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marriedbyhisgrace
love the tip of going to God together. When reading it, I was literally visioning that with my husband. That image gives so much significance to us being one in a marriage. What a beautiful thing to do together.
Mamie L. Pack
marriedbyhisgraceOh, yes! Going to God together does so much for us as a couple and as individuals.
Parent On Board
Great tips for dealing with trauma as a couple. It can be incredibly difficult to process trauma, let alone allow your spouse to join in on the journey.
Sara
What a helpful post! Telling your spouse exactly how they can help is such a great reminder. No one can read minds and sometimes in marriage we forget that!
thereluctantcowgirl
Trauma can really separate us a couple. Or it can bring us together and make us stronger. Thank you for sharing on this important topic. I LOVE the quote graphic! Beautiful!
Jessica
Your last tip on letting your spouse know your feelings do not have to do with them has been huge for me. My DH has childhood trauma that we didn’t even realize when we got married. For a long time I thought his trauma responses to triggers and things I did (especially trying to love him) were my fault. That I was deficit as a wife and person in some way. Because we didn’t know about his trauma or trauma at all the first few years of our marriage, it was so confusing and difficult.
Learning about trauma has helped us communicate so much better and has helped me realize that his trauma responses come from trauma, not me. I’ve learned he would have trauma responses no matter who he was with, they are not my “fault” persay.
steakkale
“Lovely, remember what someone did to you is not more than what Christ did for you on the cross.”
Amen and AMEN!! 🙂
Mamie L. Pack
steakkaleTotally changes your perspective.
thediynuts
Being clear is something needed in all relationships. Thank you for this post.
Karina
This is so important! Keeping an open line of communication with your spouse to heal from trauma is so important. And God is so faithful to help you overcome any trauma. He gives wisdom, strength and healing.
Ariana
I do exactly this, I first tell my husband this isn’t about you its about XYZ and he always follows up with how can I help? Sometimes I just need to be alone. Sometimes I just need a hug and a reminder that he is there and he is not XYZ. I found that being open with him has been made him more patient and understanding to the situation though!
Mamie L. Pack
ArianaOh, yay Ariana. Learning to communicate openly and effectively helps our marriages to thrive.
Faith
Your article carries such truth and wisdom! Thanks for the incredible advice!
Mamie L. Pack
FaithThanks for stopping by Faith.
Sherry M Lee
Such great advice! Allowing our spouse to help us deal with trauma can be challenging. I especially love your point where you say, “Focusing on the shame and scars of your trauma keeps you frozen in what happened.” It’s important to move forward, as difficult as that can be.
Mamie L. Pack
Sherry M LeeAbsolutely Sherri!
Stephanie
These are such great tips! Communication is so important for tough talks because assumptions can hurt your relationship if you’re not clear on something. Thank you for sharing these!
primaledgehealth
I completely agree, we can’t get by in a marriage if we are not transparent and honest!
Mamie L. Pack
primaledgehealthSometimes those conversations are uncomfortable but so worth it.
Beth
Really great post. Thanks so much for sharing!
Mamie L. Pack
BethThanks for stopping by!
Jenny
This article will help so many. Great advice!
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