The Good Wife: 3 signs you are nagging wife
Updated March 8, 2021
Do you struggle with being a nagging wife? Or maybe you are quietly thinking to yourself, I am not sure if I am nagging wife. Ask yourself, how many times have you strongly asked your husband these questions?
When are you going to pick up your socks?
You bought all these groceries but didn’t pick up the one thing I wanted.
Why am I the one who is always helping the kids with their homework?
That’s not how it’s done.
Nag. Nag. Nag.
Does this sound like you?
Oh, it sounded like me, alright. Even though I desired to be a loving wife, I didn’t realize somewhere along the way I started nagging my husband.
Every day I woke up decided today I would be loving, I would be kind, and I would NOT fuss. I would make up my mind not to pressure my hubby about the pile of uniforms tucked in the corner or move his things because they were not neatly put away as I would like. Every day I would remind myself I will be a helpmeet instead of a hindrance.
I knew I needed a change. So I started with the Bible.
What does the Bible say about a nagging wife?
- Proverbs 21:9 “[It is] better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.”
- Proverbs 21:19 “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.”
- Proverbs 27:15 “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike”
Clearly, my behavior was not aligned with the Godly wife I desired to be. In basic terms, nagging is choosing to persistently irritate another person through constant correction and pressure. It’s choosing to be led by my flesh instead of being lead by the Holy Spirit.
Nagging is a choice.
Let’s be honest ladies, even though nagging is a choice, at the heart of our nagging is our need to be in control.
My husband didn’t clean up on my timetable. My husband did not help my way. My nagging had little to do with him and everything to do with the condition of my heart.
Instead of being the nagging wife trying to control my husband, I decided to allow the Holy Spirit to help me learn how to exercise self-control.
Using these three steps helped me make the shift from a wife who nags to a wife who loves. these three steps help to improve my marriage.
1. Keep the right perspective keeps you from being a nagging wife
One of the subtle ways nagging creeps into our relationship with our spouses is through a complaining spirit. Instead of cultivating a heart of gratitude and thankfulness for our spouses, our eyes begin to see all of the lack. We see what our spouses did not do. The clothes they did not pick up. The way they did not help with the kids. The dirty dishes they did not clean.
Oh yes, our eyes begin to zoom in on the faults and failures of our husbands.
The next thing you know, you are silently keeping score in your heart of all the work you contribute in your home and all the ways your husband is not. You tally up your hard word then punish your husband for falling short. When he wants to be intimate, you are too tired. You use phrases like, “If I didn’t have to . . .”, “I was the only one who. . .” or “Had you just . . .”. My friend complaint has penetrated your heart, corrupting your actions, making you the nagging wife.
No worries. You can turn this around today.
Cultivating a heart of appreciation and gratitude will help tenderize your heart and help season your words with love. Instead of seeing all your husband is not doing, start recognizing what he does contribute.
Say the words out loud.
When he helps with the dishes, compliment him. When he picks up your favorite food, thank him. When he gets up to help (even if you did ask), show your appreciation. These words of gratitude are reminders you are one team. Over time, you will stop feeling like you need to be in control and align yourself with being a helpmeet.
Just remember less nagging more bragging. Can you recognize the sign you are a nagging wife?
Journal Prompts:
- How have I shown gratitude toward my spouse today?
- Did I spend more time fussing at my spouse than speaking words of life today?
Read: 5 scriptures to cultivate a grateful heart in a challenging season
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2. Being aware of your emotions keeps you from being a nagging wife
Nagging is simply the symptom of an angry heart. You are mad you are the one cleaning, cooking, or taking the kids to practice.
Just know, nagging doesn’t work.
When you start to nag, take note of your emotions. Why are you angry, frustrated, or irritated? Are you hungry? Are you tired? Is your period about to start?
I cannot tell you how many times I became a nagging wifezilla only because I was tired. Instead of my communicating this need to my husband, I expected him to magically know my need and do something about it. When he didn’t, I became upset about that too.
If you want a sign you are a nagging wife then allowing your emotions to manipulate your spouse is definitely one.
Just taking a moment to be silent and reflect on your emotions will help you and your marriage tremendously. Taking time to concentrate more controlling you emotions will help you to respond in a healthy way to your spouse.
Journal Prompts:
- What triggers my nagging?
- How can you better communicate your needs to your spouse?
Read: Time for a change: 3 subtle signs you are a toxic person
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3. Remember your husband is your spouse, not a child.
Now, this one statement hit home. Nagging your spouse only results in talking and treating him as a child. Instead of being in a marriage of mutual respect, your nagging puts you in an authoritative role where only you knows what’s best for your home. You undermine your husband’s help and input without you even realizing it.
I know you don’t mean to treat him like a child. You don’t mean to make him feel as if his voice doesn’t matter. I get it.
But we must always remember to choose our marriage.
You are a team. Take time to discuss expectations together for how you will handle the daily routines of your home and give each other grace. Some days your spouse is going to the husband of the year. He will be helpful, understand your needs before you communicate them, and be loving. Then other days, he is going to drop the ball. He’s human after all, just like YOU.
Before we are so quick to nag, let’s be ready to give grace. See your husband as your spouse, not another child. When you do, your words, your heart, and your actions change.
Above all, ladies, pray.
These three steps are helpful, practical recommendations, but are not meant to be used in place of seeking God’s direction on how to love and support your husband. If you find you are struggling with nagging, start with going to God in prayer to reveal the root of why you feel you must be in control and what needs to change. Seeking God about the changes that needed to happen in me created changes in my marriage.
Listening to the Holy Spirit only made it easier for me to say good-bye to being the nagging wife and hello to being a loving one.
Cheering you on,
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Jennifer DeFrates
Yes, oh I was that wife too. I remember God got my attention with a pair of underwear. He convicted me to serve my husband over seeking his service for me and what I wanted. It’s still one of my favorite blog posts, The Secret Service: the key to unlocking a bitter heart. God worked on me and I saw my husband change when I stopped nagging him to. Lol. Gotta love how He does that.
ordinarilyextraordinarymom
Whew! I have to be so cognizant of this because I know how I am with my husband AND my children. Great tips!
shravmusings
Wow it really makes sense and I have to be careful about these stuff
Mamie L. Pack
shravmusingsHappens so easily right?
stmarie38
Ever once and a while I gotta step back and check myself. We sometimes don’t hear how we are coming off to other people. Thanks for sharing this great advice.
Jenn
Oh, girl. You got me good here! Some self-check is definitely in order.
Mamie L. Pack
JennMe too!!! Constantly being aware of how I am using my words.
mamawritesreviews
Good advice. I’m usually pretty good about not nagging but there are a few things I have to keep on about otherwise they don’t get done.
Mehgan
One of my greatest fears is being seen as a nag by my husband. This post gives great advice for how to avoid becoming a nag. Remembering that my way isn’t the only way is something I struggle with.
Amber
This was a nice reminder for me to be more aware of my emotions and not let the negativity pour onto my husband. I am definitely guilty of this. Great article!
A Nation of Moms
It’s easier to get things done if you have a positive attitude. I think it is when you become demeaning and nag that it can really take a toll.
Mamie L. Pack
A Nation of MomsOh, you are absolutely correct.
alunderfullife
This really made me check myself and reminded me to take a step back and look at our situation. I love the reminder that our husband is our spouse and not our child.
lorena | www.lorenaylennox.com
This post is wonderful. It makes me realize how much I do nag my hubby, who actually does help out a lot around the house. I am just so OCD and always want things my way, but I need to be more appreciative of all that he does <3
Mamie L. Pack
lorena | www.lorenaylennox.comYes!!! Taking the time to appreciate what they do is so important. It’s great you are able to recognize that. It’s a big step.
Kristal
Wow, I truly loved reading your post. You’re so right. I think I am so used to having the “take charge” mindset from having my kids home all day, that it sometimes trickles into my relationship with my husband as well. Not good. And yes, I too, have a habit of being too controlling at times. I love the Bible verses that you refer back to as a reminder of the big picture.
Mamie L. Pack
KristalThanks Kristal! When I was a SAHM for 6 years it was REALLY hard not to allow my role as an authority blend into my relationship with my hubby. I had to step back many days to remind myself to keep the right perspective.
jessicagoodpaster
I felt the sting on the child comparison! I definitely don’t want to treat my husband like a kid, but I see myself slipping into that some days. Thanks so much for the reminder to do less nagging and more bragging!
Tisha
More bragging, less nagging — love it! It’s so easy to focus on the lack, but you are right in cultivating gratitude will help ease this tendency. This is my aim — I definitely and that nagging wife from time to time!
Brigham Knows Best (@brighamknowbest)
This was a good read and some great reminders!
Mamie L. Pack
Brigham Knows Best (@brighamknowbest)Thank you!
Lorena
I absolutely love this post. Definitely repining because its a great reminder for us all.
Mamie L. Pack
LorenaOh, thank you. Marriage is growth and hard work.
Krystina
I love the section on how he is your spouse! Thanks for the great post.
lifechasinglittles
This spoke to me!!! I am like this almost daily. Although I do catch myself sometimes and correct it. These are some really great tips. Thanks so much for sharing!
Catherine
Nagging is not fine but real conversations are. Wether you nag or not these three steps are a good start to keeping a check on any relationship. Thank you for your honesty.
Stephanie
I love the “bragging, not nagging.” I try to do this!! My husband brings me home dessert at least once a week and it makes me so happy!!
Mamie L. Pack
StephanieAwww that is so sweet Stephanie.
gilian
Always choose marriage. =) I love that. It is hard not to nag, but constant practice of peace and appreciating what they have done helps a lot to reduce it. =)
Mamie L. Pack
gilianI remind myself to always choose us!
M. J.
Girl, you nailed it this post! I just pinned it, cause I liked it so much! I used to be a really bad nagger, and my husband often reminded me that he was not my child, like you said. Thankfully, we have worked a lot on our marriage over the years and I have changed my attitude. This is great advice for ever marriage!
Donna Miller
Oh Girl, I was SO there at one time. And you’re right, it was because I was angry and hyper focused on what was lacking instead of what he did good. TY so much for this beautiful post. Really opens our eyes how we can be without realizing it … ❤
Adriana David
Hi! Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Although I am unmarried, I have come to realize how much gratitude and perspective shifting helps me honor God and other people in my own life. Thank you for putting this in a different context!
purposefilledstories
I want a happy home and I know nagging makes no one happy 😆 it is good to check yourself and think what exactly are your needs
Mamie L. Pack
purposefilledstoriesChecking our behavior is vital to building healthy relationships.
Rachael Belle
It is TOUGH to not be a nagging wife sometimes. It is good to self reflect and check ourselves.
Mamie L. Pack
Rachael BelleReflecting on your behaviors helps build our marriages.
Mary Rooney Armand
Mamie, such a great post! No one likes to be around a nagging person especially our husbands! I like how you said they are our spouses and not our children!
Betty Rojugbokan
I agree nagging is bad regardless of who the receiver is. We should learn to communicate our thoughts, emotions and expectations. Thanks for the reminder.
Mamie L. Pack
Betty RojugbokanThanks for reading Betty!
Tona
Yes love this article more bragging less nagging. I should be building up not tearing down and being a nag doesn’t build up. Definitely praying about my heart is a first step and then listening to the Holy Spirit for direction. Great post thanks for sharing.
Mamie L. Pack
TonaUnlearning being a nagging wife helps our marriages tremendously.
Ava James
I love the point about talking through your expectations and being a team. Advice for the future, but very useful. Great post!
Mamie L. Pack
Ava JamesBeing a team is so important.
FruitfullyLiving
Thank you for the reminder to not be a nagging wife. This sentence, “I expected him to magically know my need and do something about it” resonated with me. I think I often fall into that trap.
Teresa Hodge
Thank you for this much needed reminder. It is so easy to see the faults of others and ignore our own! But when I consciously take notice, I find that my husband is really doing more around the house to help than I’d been giving him credit for. God wants marriage to be a team, not a competition for control. Great post!
Kari
So good! When my kids were all little, this was such a struggle with me but i love how you state he is not your child! So true and so easy to forget when you’re parenting all day long! Thanks for writing this!
Elizabeth Anderson
When I read the title, I was like…I need to read this!!! We need to check ourselves everyday that we are neither nagging or controlling our husbands. Good blog!
Rachel Mayew
So good! Focusing on what we lack definitely amps up this problem of becoming a nagging wife. It happens so often without realizing the pattern we’ve fallen into. Being honest with God about my expectations and emotions helps prep me for these same conversations with my husband!
Mamie L. Pack
Rachel MayewI agree. Focusing on the lack creates a much bigger mess.
adrianeryann
What if you’re on the flip side of this? I’m not the nagging wife but he’s the nagging husband. I have an avoidant attachment style as I was neglected as a baby/young child until I moved in with my dad at the age of 6. I think because of that, I just don’t attach myself to what he is or isn’t doing; therefore, I don’t even think to correct or “nag”. It’s not in my nature at all. I find myself getting into mental spirals though because I’m can often be on the receiving end of the nagging. I have been journaling and taking any of my sadness to God but some days are really hard.
Mamie L. Pack
adrianeryannOh, this is a very valid point, especially being on the receiving end. I know I cannot change my husband, so I started looking with me to see what I could do to improve my marriage. It is good you are journaling. Be sure to reach out for additional help.
jonisteinauer
I can definitely see from this article how I can he a nagging mother. Lord, please help me to focus on the positive. Blessings, Joni
Favoureddaughters
Such a great post for wives and intending wives, I love your point on how we should pray for self-control which is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. All the tips shared are so helpful. Thanks for sharing
Mamie L. Pack
FavoureddaughtersOh, yes! Self-control definitely helps with not being a nagging wife.
Summer
Not gonna lie. I used to be such a nagger! Over the years I’ve learned (with the Holy Spirit’s help, of course) that I can’t treat my husband like a child. It has made such a difference!
Mamie L. Pack
SummerOh, I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit’s help for guide us.
gentlechristianparent
I definitely fall into nagging habits from time to time. Some really good tips and reminders here – I don’t want to be a nagging wife!
Mamie L. Pack
gentlechristianparentWe all can fall into that trap of being a nagging wife.